Finding me

This crazy woman, I mean wise, excuse me... made this suggestion to me to tell my story. Now when I first heard this idea I thought "Oh hell yeah!", then as I started to really face and remember my story I began to become terrified to tell my story. After my inital angst, I realized it truly was the best thing I could do no matter how uncomfortable it will make me at sometimes. So..... onward. My name is Robyn, my last name is known to change every few years, I was born a Nitzke, but it's a name I don't really like to own up to most of the time so I don't use it, mostly becuase it was my father's name a long twisted family of a name. Now you might take that last comment as kinda harsh, but understand I was daddy's little girl (well more than that for my early childhood) but I loved my father dearly, regardless of what has happened in life. I'm almost halfway through my thirties, and let me tell you, it's been a crazy road so far. For the longest time I didn't have any memories from the age of 11 down, and from 11 to about 14 that didn't mean anything to me. After 14 I started to realize that wasn't really a normal thing and the strange behavior of my father. At 14 I was also diagnosed manic deppersive (which would later become severe Bi-Polar ) it was also at this age that I became VERY sexually active, I also had started smoking cigarettes, and experminting with some drugs. I was never really much of a drinker, comming from a long line of alcoholics and all, but I was always down for an adventure. (how I lived this long sometimes, I will never know) I was also put on my first of many antipsychotics. By the time I was 16 I was off the antipsychotics, I was pregnant, and also married to my first husband and to-be father of eventually all 3 of my children. I moved into my father's house for a short time when i was 17 with my first born and my husband, that was a constant power struggle, and quickly moved out of state. We fought over the phone one day, it was April, I was still 17, I was asking him for help but he acted like he would forever have to take pity on me if he helped me, I told him I didn't need him and I hung up on him. That november, I was 18 and 5 months pregnant with my 2nd child, I got a call from one of my former step mothers prepping me for any kind of news on my fathers whereabouts, seems he haden't been heard from in 3 days. Long story short, he was found, in his house, in his bed, gun shot through and through to the head, self inflicted, I got on a plane. I was scared, I was over joyed, I was pissed, I was hurt, I wanted to cry AND throw a party, damn it he beat us all to it. My life began to unravel that day as many truths were to be told and shared, and slowly, painfully, my childhood would come back..... to be continued.....